He says he's found work. For the first time in days I feel relief. I should have felt it when he was so excited telling me he would be smuggled in a ship rather than crossing in a Zodiac, but then it was still strange, still dangerous and not exciting.
Now I know he'll be busy with something. We won't have to spend days wandering around town, sulking, feeling sorry for ourselves. He'll be busy, and he'll be able to take care of himself once I leave. He told me last night that he was only living in hotels, eating in cafes, because I was here to pay his way. This isn't what I wanted, of course. This isn't the reality I was looking for, not what I wanted to film. But I asked what he would do without me and he said he didn't know. I couldn't, now, tell him to live like he had nothing- no money or company any more. I feel two ways about it. I think first he's taking advantage of me- telling me at one point that I haven't done anything for him, haven't helped him. Then, I think that maybe I do owe him something- his cut for letting me intrude on his life, letting me film his own miserable experiences.
He wait's until I'm awake, doesn't try to talk to me any earlier. But when I'm up he tells me we're late, he needs to call Hakim, the man who's arranged to smuggle him into Spain. In a rush, I pack my camera into a bag, we walk to the public phone and I tape the conversation. The camera is hidden, we're in a private booth, but I'm still nervous.
Abdullah tells me we need to go back to Tangier to meet Hakim. While we're talking about the meeting, he says he wants me to cross with him. Not for the film, but to help him once we reach Europe. I know I can't help him, I don't know anything about hiding out or getting illegal work in Spain. But Abdullah doesn't believe me. "You've lived in Europe," he says "you know these things."
When I tell him it's impossible, he thinks I don't want to help him. He's becoming manipulative these days, as he gets more desperate and more serious about crossing. I don't like the feeling. But I know I've also been manipulative all along, trying to get what I want for the film. I don't want either of us to be in a position where he's relying on me. Not only because I know I can't really help him, but because I know I might have to disappear at any point if it suddenly seems too dangerous.
I don't know what I plan to do if I meet him again in Europe after the crossing. The film might go on. Or I might not see Abdullah again. He still thinks we're in this together.
